Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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