maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
