Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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