My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
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so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
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I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.