Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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