Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
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ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
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I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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