It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize