apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
