I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dear god my vagina.
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