i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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