I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
