she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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