Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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