i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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