Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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