my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dicks are not precious.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
