She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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