I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
