why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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