im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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