That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
