Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
