I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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