When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
