girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
