If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
