mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
no, he came in my armpit
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
