sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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