Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
