Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
