At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I need to calm my uterus...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
