Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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