Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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