I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
