Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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