You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
