1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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