Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
