The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just invented taco cereal.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize