And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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