did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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