Don't make out with my wife yet
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You ruined the universe
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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