Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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