Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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