from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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