Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
