Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
