i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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