Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
