Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
