I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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