She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
