I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I party with great urgency now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
