How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
